So its been a while since I’ve sat down to write another blog. It’s a long story, but the bottom line is I haven’t had the energy to write, the physical energy or the mental energy. Each time I have a good day and think I’m turning the corner, BAM I get hit in the head with a 2 x 4 and have 3 or 4 bad days. Today isn’t a particularly good day but I need to write so here we go.
Typically I write my Random Acts blog on Friday so this is going to serve as a catch-all.
I was talking to my wife this week and she was giving me feedback on the blog and mentioned that I often for get the displays of kindness that are staring me right in the face.
First there are some shout outs that I need to make. Joe and Stacie, our across the street neighbors might just be the best neighbors a guy could want. They are the only people in the neighborhood that introduced themselves when we moved in. There is a funny story there but I’ll save that one. When our kids were born they came over to meet the kids and brought gifts. Any time there is stuff to do around the yard Joe is the first to volunteer. Literally just salt of the earth people. When they found out about my diagnosis Stacy jumped into service and has brought over a few meals. The have offered there home as a place to just get away, from the kids or be a place where I can just be alone with my thoughts. In all honesty they are two of the best people I’ve ever met. Joe and Stacy thanks for everything you do.
Visits from friends are alway kind of special. Much to my surprise I guy I used to work with called me last week and said he was going to be in Chicago for the National Association of Realtors annual conference and would like to stop by for a visit. Not only was I surprised I was very happy. Joe and I have always had a good relationship and in all honesty I considered him more of a friend than just a work buddy. The hour or so we spent together was on of the highlights of the last month.
A little more about whats going on with me. As I’ve stated the past 3 weeks have been tough both mentally and physically. Physically is easy to discuss. My tumors have grown in size and what used to be discomfort on my right side has developed into pain. Just a dull pain that never goes away. When I stand I feel it, when I sit I feel it, when I lay down I feel it, it just never goes away. It stinks. It is a constant reminder that some is growing in me that should be there, a reminder that I have cancer. More on what that does to the mind a little later.
The hemoglobin issue is just something that is hard to deal with and comprehend. As you may or may not know hemoglobin is how cells get oxygen. It literally is an ordeal for my to shower, I need to rest after the most mundane tasks like taking a shower. How that plays with the mind is a whole other issue.
The itching is another issue. I feel like someone poured and entire container of itching powder on me. Like the pain on my right side it is constant and unrelenting. I’ve literally thought of booking a massage and once I get there telling the masseuse to just scratch my back for an hour. I still haven’t ruled that idea out, I think it would be worth every penny.
As you can imagine all this play with your head in a bad way. My most frequent thought lately has been is this what the end looks like – pretty dark but it is the truth. My second most frequent thought is I went through 6 weeks of torture with chemo and the freakin’ tumors grew. I don’t know what I will do if I get the same news.
The other thing that is constantly on my mind is am I up for the fight. Quite frankly in the beginning the fight was easy. I really didn’t have any pain, only discomfort. I wasn’t experiencing the compounding effect of the chemotherapy. Which lets face it is pretty barbaric. Now the fight is real, and probably going to get worse before its going to get better. Just the thought of it makes me cry often. What I try to keep in mind is what Fr. Chris tells me every time I see him, I am not in control. The only control I have is how I handle it. Then he goes on to remind me of Jesus’ pray in the garden ” Father if you are willing take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” So I pray for the strength to fight on like the third monkey. I pray that God’s will is for me to beat it. I trust he knows my kids need their daddy, my wife needs her hubby and the nieces and nephews need Jeffy.
“Your will not mine”