This is a big week for me. It is the final week in my second cycle of Chemotherapy and most importantly on Friday I will know if the current treatment plan is working. This test is a double-edged sword, on the one hand I am excited to know that things are going as planned. On the other hand what happens if they are not going well?
My guess is most are like me, and have never heard of the term scanxiety. However if you have had or know someone who has had cancer you may be familiar with the term. The best definition that I’ve come across is “the uneasiness waiting for ones scans and results after cancer treatment”. This week has been a week of scanxiety and uncertainty.
This week has also been a tough one for other reasons, quite honestly I wasn’t prepared to feel as bad as I feel this week. I really enjoy writing and this is the first time I’ve had the energy to do so. Earlier in the week I sent my doctor’s nurse an email just asking, is this normal and is there something we can do to help me feel more normal. She replies with an email stating that I am “at my nadir right now”. Not being the sharpest knife in the drawer I have no idea what she is talking about. What I can conclude is “my nadir” isn’t a warm happy place. So I run to google to find out what “my nadir” is all about.
Na-dir – (noun) – the lowest point in the fortunes of a person or organization. Rock Bottom.
Well shiver me timbers, my medical team thinks I’m at my lowest point or rock bottom. Thanks for the vote of confidence team. I’m sure Tom Brady was feeling at his nadir with mid way through the third quarter of Super Bowl LI. My guess is his team wasn’t talking about Rock Bottom, they put their collective heads down and powered through it. Personally I hate the phrase rock bottom. I’ve been around long enough to know just when you think you are at the bottom, guess what there is a lower level. Just like the phrase light at the end of the tunnel. More often than not my experience says that light is a 5,000 ton freight training barreling at me at a very high speed.
Enough about “nadir”.
So hopefully Friday we can find out everything is going according to plan. It will be my first scan since the diagnosis and to say I have scanxiety would be an understatement. It is all I can think about. Unfortunately the way the mind works is when you think about this kind of stuff, it is usually only the bad that you think about. My thoughts are no exception, and I am sure this head trash is part of the reason it hasn’t been a good week.
I have an appointment with Dr. Hensing on Tuesday, I am hoping that he doesn’t wait until Tuesday to go over my scan. If he does, I think I may go postal on him. The scanxiety is a lot to handle combine this with the depression that the chemo is causing and I’m just not sure I can handle it. It’s only been about 9 weeks since diagnosis and I am already over it. I’m over feeling like shit, I am over my food tasting like metal, I am over doctors and nurses scheduling appointments without consulting me or my wife first, I am just over it. Hopefully we get good news on Friday and that will clean up my spirit. Until then I am probably going to be in a funk. You know what I think I’ve earned my funk.