I’ve really learned to have a weird appreciation for the bad days. If you been following this week has really been one of the worst on so many levels. Mostly mentally. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is the bad days that will build the strength needed to get through the fight, it is the bad days that make the fight worth fighting, and it is the bad days that will separate the monkeys on the ramp.
There are so many directions I can go with this post, it’s 3;14 AM I can’t sleep, I have a port draw at 9:30AM and possible blood transfusion at 10:00AM. That’s kind of busy morning, and no wonder I struggle with sleep.
I was texting with my cousin Tina as I started writing this and just kind of comparing notes, as you may remember she is going through her own battle with some similarities. We are both in a clinical Trial, both would be screwed if the trial wasn’t paying for our meds, and we both have good and bad days. One of the things she mentioned to me this morning is to remember this is my fight, although I have a support team, the fight is mine and mine alone. Not to get too overly morbid but it is a life and death fight. Part of what has made this week so bad is I am letting others have input on decisions when their input is irrelevant. I don’t say this out of disrespect it is just the gospel truth.
I think a guy with a bad diagnosis should be given a little longer leash. Maybe I am wrong but I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter.
One of the things I did this week to help me figure it all out was go see a shrink, a therapist, a doctor, what ever the politically correct term is these days, I went and saw one. Not sure if it helped or not, however what I will say is she reaffirmed some of my beliefs. First and foremost the fight is personal and although you need and will have helpers it is very personal and there is no right way or wrong way to have the fight. Secondly she mentioned that I need to make sure I schedule time for myself to do what ever it is that gives me an escape. If I can accomplish those two things I think it will have been $100 well spent.
Hopefully this weekend Father Saliga and I can get together again. His take on life and death is so spot on. Last time we talked we discussed the Mysteries of the Rosary. The Padre suggested focusing on one and only one. At that time he asked me to focus on the Crucifixion. Specifically the fact the Christ mentioned that if we didn’t have to do this he was OK with that but it was God’s will that need to be done. And he went long with it. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the Scourging at the Pillar. A pretty bad fate but in and of itself not a death sentence. A lot of times it feels very appropriate to my situation.
I am confident things will pick up, and better times will return. Until then let’s just get the Led out and celebrate the comedy and tragedy of life.